Shadows and reflections

The only thing about walking to towards the light is that it casts a shadow behind you, which follows you on your journey. My shadow holds the grief of losing my brother. I can’t turn around to face my grief as I am worried the darkness will overcome me and I will be lost. So I let it out piece by piece, by catching a glimpse of it in reflections and glancing over my shoulder, looking back over where I have been. I think about the time I spent with him, the family he left behind and what he achieved in his life.

It is painful to talk about, each little release takes a bit of the pain away, but I miss the fact that I won’t be able to create any new memories of him, take any new photographs of him, or have any more fun with him. The grief from his loss feeds my depression, so after I have let a bit of the pain out, I turn back to the light and continue my journey towards it, with my shadow behind me.


Sarah

One step forward, two steps back.

After the reasonable high spirits of earlier in the week, things started to go south on Wednesday, including a hardware failure on my faithful laptop, hence no Blog postings. Sorry about that but computer said NO.

It was a difficult session of counselling on Wednesday afternoon, followed by the frustration of laptop failure and then a couple of bits of bad news on Thursday, which I wont share as they affect other people more then me. By Friday I was feeling pretty low.

Despite this setback, the momentum for the progress I have made over the past couple of months spurred me on to raise my own spirits again. I went and collected the 35mm film I had put in for processing, the first I have used in about 15 years. Photographs I had taken with my granddad’s Olympus OM10. A wonderful old camera which I took a bit of time to clean up, replace the battery, load with a new film and find out how to use.

Without the prints to flip through when I picked it up; I had only asked for the film to be processed not printed; I was quite excited to see what images it had captured. I have a negative scanner in my collection of photographic equipment and I spent about an hour Friday night scanning the images and then editing the couple of images I liked. They were only fairly boring test shots taken out and about in Bexhill, but I found the camera nice and easy to use and the images were clear and quite pleasing, if some what boring. Definitely worth using on a more regular basis. The next film I have to load in it is a black and white film, which I can then process myself at college on my photography course. Something new for me to try.

Most of yesterday was taken up with getting a replacement laptop and setting it up the way I wanted it. All the software and hardware I use; the links to favourite websites, including this one are now installed and working and I am back in business.

I have finished the week at pretty much the same place I started, so things can't be that bad.

Sarah

Mother's Day

So far today is a good day. I have had both my children wish me a Happy Mother's Day and I have wished my mother and my mother in law a Happy Mother's Day.

I am reminded how lucky I am to have all these wonderful people in my life. However there is a little sadness for all the people I know who have lost their mum, the mothers I know who have lost a child and to the friends I know who have not been able to have a child. I am thinking of you all today.

Sarah

It's good to talk

When I was at my lowest, I did not understand what was happening to me or why it had happened. I didn't want to talk about it; I did not want to talk to anyone about anything. Not surprisingly I felt very isolated and everything looked very dark.

Over time and with help, I started to talk about what was happening and how I felt. To my surprise I discovered many of my friends were suffering in the same way. I found it really helped to talk to them and listen to what they had done on their journey back into the light.

I have been speaking to one such friend this morning. He suggested a book for me to read, The Road Less Travelled by M. Scot Peck, a link to which on Amazon I have posted at the bottom of this Blog.

I know now I am not alone and that I have many travelling companions on my path.

Sarah

Photo Therapy

This is such a wonderful time of year; the darkness is being banished, the days are getting longer and nights are getting shorter. The flowers start to appear in the once bare landscapes.

I have been getting out and about with my camera to enjoy the brief sunshine and take some photographs of this time of time of new beginnings. A sample of these can be found in my flickr stream, which I have moved to the top of my blog.

I'm not sure whether it was the fresh air, the exercise or the photos I took but I feel much happier than I did. I really love this time of year.

Sarah

The first steps

As I stand at a crossroads in my life, I wonder which road to take. The only road closed is the one which goes backwards. Why would I want to go backwards? I don't. No, the way is forward.

The first step is to rebuild my confidence.

How do I do that?

I have started a photography course. It is something I have always enjoyed and beautiful pictures make me smile. There is growing evidence that creative projects help to alleviate the symptoms of depression by activating the right side of the brain. This is often referred to as Creative or Expressive Therapy. I chose photography because I have always been interested in it, but it can be an expensive pastime. Luckily I already have the basic equipment I need so I do not need to spend any money. Which is good because I don't have any. I have been off work for four months now. Anything which wakes up your creative side works. I also love to draw and paper and pencils are nice and cheap. I use my photographs as inspiration for my drawings.

I find when I can't sleep and my mind is turmoil, concentrating on a drawing helps to clear my mind and settle my thoughts. An hour of drawing is usually enough to help me off to a productive sleep.

The feedback from these photographs and my drawings is boosting my confidence. You can see some of these photos by using my Flickr link at the bottom of this page.

Step One taken.

A place to start

As with every journey you need a place to start and what better place to start than where you are now? The journey is not about where you have been, nor about where you are going, it is about the journey itself.

My journey is about fighting back from depression. This blog is to help me on my journey and hopefully to help others on their journey too.