It is a year today since my life came crashing to a stop, when I finally realized that I could not cope. From the almost catatonic state, through manic highs, terrible lows and back to the calm and happy state I am today.
Since my last entry, I have completely stopped taking the anti depressants. So my emotions are now my own and not propped up by pills. This has caused a few ups and down, but I am coping and I am back in control.
I have also celebrated what should have been my brother's 40th birthday. A happy time, but I still miss him, loads.
My photography and drawings have really helped me through this bad time, as have my loving and supportive family and friends. My drawings helping me to visualize, express and understand my thoughts and feelings; and my friends and family reminding me that I am not alone even when I felt I was.
The laughter and smiles have definitely returned, but I know I don't have to hide from the darker emotions, as I can deal with them again.
Sarah
Saturday, 6 November 2010
Friday, 3 September 2010
Onwards and upwards
Still finding my rhythm working two jobs and a college course, but all is good. Paid all my bills and sorting my life out, all paper work done but still a waiting to be filed...it might be there a while yet!
Managed to fit in a holiday and photographed another friend's wedding. Still working on the photographs for that.
Looking to come off the tablets soon, I know I'm on the mend, no more panic or anxiety attacks, pretty much back in control. It has been an interesting ride. Thanks to good support from family, friends and professionals I'm not surviving, I'm thriving.
Managed to fit in a holiday and photographed another friend's wedding. Still working on the photographs for that.
Looking to come off the tablets soon, I know I'm on the mend, no more panic or anxiety attacks, pretty much back in control. It has been an interesting ride. Thanks to good support from family, friends and professionals I'm not surviving, I'm thriving.
Monday, 14 June 2010
A new path
I haven't written much in here of late, partly because I was trying to put my life back on track and partly because I didn't have anything to share.
During this process I have put to bed certain aspects of my life which were feeding my depression and I'm still working on the others. I have parted company with the my former employer and I am venturing out into a brave new world. Whilst tryning to earn my keep with various bits and pieces I am promoting my photography, in the hope that I can add to my income doing the things I enjoy.
With that in mind I have started a new blog "http://pictureitphotography-msg.blogspot.com" and I have created and Facebook page "http://www.facebook.com/pages/Picture-It/124723500899272". Through these I hope I can continue on my path to health, happiness and prosperity.
Thank you for all your help and support so far.
MsG
During this process I have put to bed certain aspects of my life which were feeding my depression and I'm still working on the others. I have parted company with the my former employer and I am venturing out into a brave new world. Whilst tryning to earn my keep with various bits and pieces I am promoting my photography, in the hope that I can add to my income doing the things I enjoy.
With that in mind I have started a new blog "http://pictureitphotography-msg.blogspot.com" and I have created and Facebook page "http://www.facebook.com/pages/Picture-It/124723500899272". Through these I hope I can continue on my path to health, happiness and prosperity.
Thank you for all your help and support so far.
MsG
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
Mayday and the Motorbikes
As I was sorting through the photographs I took on the Mayday rally, I found myself thinking about Simon, my brother and Sharon, my sister inlaw, both bikers, both taken too soon. One through illness and one through a bike accident.
They both loved Mayday, looking at all the bikes, chatting with the other bikers and just enjoying the day with other like minded people. It is days like this that I miss them the most, but I remember them with a smile, knowing that if they were there with me, we would be laughing and chatting as we looked at the bikes together.
I know all the time they are with me in my thoughts and in my heart they can't be too far away. Love and miss you both.
Sarah
They both loved Mayday, looking at all the bikes, chatting with the other bikers and just enjoying the day with other like minded people. It is days like this that I miss them the most, but I remember them with a smile, knowing that if they were there with me, we would be laughing and chatting as we looked at the bikes together.
I know all the time they are with me in my thoughts and in my heart they can't be too far away. Love and miss you both.
Sarah
Tuesday, 4 May 2010
Facing my Demons
It has been a while since I wrote a blog, which is naughty of me, as I found it was really helping. In that time I have gone back to work to face my demons and put them all in their place.
The first day I went back I was very aware that some people would find it hard to talk to me, after all I had been off for 5 months and people do not know how to deal with mental health problems, they are still taboo. With this in mind I went to see all the people in my department to let them know that I was still the same person and I am much happier and stronger than I have been in a long time. It broke the ice and I have found so many people who have had similar problems and because I was prepared to talk about what had happened to me and how I am dealing with it, they wanted to talk about their experiences too. I found that comforting to know I'm really not alone in this. It gave me the strenght to put a stop to the things that were making me unhappy at work, this included me stepping down from the management role which contributed to my illness.
Now, without the stress of work always on my mind, I can continue on my path to recovery. I don't know where it is leading me. I just know I am getting better every day. So I will continue to follow it and see where it goes.
Sarah
The first day I went back I was very aware that some people would find it hard to talk to me, after all I had been off for 5 months and people do not know how to deal with mental health problems, they are still taboo. With this in mind I went to see all the people in my department to let them know that I was still the same person and I am much happier and stronger than I have been in a long time. It broke the ice and I have found so many people who have had similar problems and because I was prepared to talk about what had happened to me and how I am dealing with it, they wanted to talk about their experiences too. I found that comforting to know I'm really not alone in this. It gave me the strenght to put a stop to the things that were making me unhappy at work, this included me stepping down from the management role which contributed to my illness.
Now, without the stress of work always on my mind, I can continue on my path to recovery. I don't know where it is leading me. I just know I am getting better every day. So I will continue to follow it and see where it goes.
Sarah
Thursday, 25 March 2010
Shadows and reflections
The only thing about walking to towards the light is that it casts a shadow behind you, which follows you on your journey. My shadow holds the grief of losing my brother. I can’t turn around to face my grief as I am worried the darkness will overcome me and I will be lost. So I let it out piece by piece, by catching a glimpse of it in reflections and glancing over my shoulder, looking back over where I have been. I think about the time I spent with him, the family he left behind and what he achieved in his life.
It is painful to talk about, each little release takes a bit of the pain away, but I miss the fact that I won’t be able to create any new memories of him, take any new photographs of him, or have any more fun with him. The grief from his loss feeds my depression, so after I have let a bit of the pain out, I turn back to the light and continue my journey towards it, with my shadow behind me.
Sarah
It is painful to talk about, each little release takes a bit of the pain away, but I miss the fact that I won’t be able to create any new memories of him, take any new photographs of him, or have any more fun with him. The grief from his loss feeds my depression, so after I have let a bit of the pain out, I turn back to the light and continue my journey towards it, with my shadow behind me.
Sarah
Sunday, 21 March 2010
One step forward, two steps back.
After the reasonable high spirits of earlier in the week, things started to go south on Wednesday, including a hardware failure on my faithful laptop, hence no Blog postings. Sorry about that but computer said NO.
It was a difficult session of counselling on Wednesday afternoon, followed by the frustration of laptop failure and then a couple of bits of bad news on Thursday, which I wont share as they affect other people more then me. By Friday I was feeling pretty low.
Despite this setback, the momentum for the progress I have made over the past couple of months spurred me on to raise my own spirits again. I went and collected the 35mm film I had put in for processing, the first I have used in about 15 years. Photographs I had taken with my granddad’s Olympus OM10. A wonderful old camera which I took a bit of time to clean up, replace the battery, load with a new film and find out how to use.
Without the prints to flip through when I picked it up; I had only asked for the film to be processed not printed; I was quite excited to see what images it had captured. I have a negative scanner in my collection of photographic equipment and I spent about an hour Friday night scanning the images and then editing the couple of images I liked. They were only fairly boring test shots taken out and about in Bexhill, but I found the camera nice and easy to use and the images were clear and quite pleasing, if some what boring. Definitely worth using on a more regular basis. The next film I have to load in it is a black and white film, which I can then process myself at college on my photography course. Something new for me to try.
Most of yesterday was taken up with getting a replacement laptop and setting it up the way I wanted it. All the software and hardware I use; the links to favourite websites, including this one are now installed and working and I am back in business.
I have finished the week at pretty much the same place I started, so things can't be that bad.
Sarah
It was a difficult session of counselling on Wednesday afternoon, followed by the frustration of laptop failure and then a couple of bits of bad news on Thursday, which I wont share as they affect other people more then me. By Friday I was feeling pretty low.
Despite this setback, the momentum for the progress I have made over the past couple of months spurred me on to raise my own spirits again. I went and collected the 35mm film I had put in for processing, the first I have used in about 15 years. Photographs I had taken with my granddad’s Olympus OM10. A wonderful old camera which I took a bit of time to clean up, replace the battery, load with a new film and find out how to use.
Without the prints to flip through when I picked it up; I had only asked for the film to be processed not printed; I was quite excited to see what images it had captured. I have a negative scanner in my collection of photographic equipment and I spent about an hour Friday night scanning the images and then editing the couple of images I liked. They were only fairly boring test shots taken out and about in Bexhill, but I found the camera nice and easy to use and the images were clear and quite pleasing, if some what boring. Definitely worth using on a more regular basis. The next film I have to load in it is a black and white film, which I can then process myself at college on my photography course. Something new for me to try.
Most of yesterday was taken up with getting a replacement laptop and setting it up the way I wanted it. All the software and hardware I use; the links to favourite websites, including this one are now installed and working and I am back in business.
I have finished the week at pretty much the same place I started, so things can't be that bad.
Sarah
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
